Tantrums, Tantra and Drums

When I was about five years old, my dad and I went to the mall together. We were there to pick up a gift that was being wrapped at Buffoms’. This was a rare occasion as my dad is a blue-collar, bread winner. As we walked through the china and crystal department, we entered the “breakable doll” section. I deeply wanted a porcelain doll, though my mom was always wise to my tactics and adhered to her “no”. Dad, well dad was a different animal. He would do anything to stop my tears - including buying me a $300 breakable doll. This is an illustration of the many tantrums I indulged in my youth.

In recent months, I feel the energy of tantrums in my body. I am learning how to work with this energy more wisely. This is where tantra and drums come into play. Initially, I set out to write this blog about how something draws us to our mats and cushions, something that is getting in the way. And then, we create a practice to cultivate conditions that allow for a shift. It wasn’t until I sat down to write and began brainstorming titles that I saw the words tantra and drum within the word tantrum. This is so perfect!

Without delving into tantra in great detail, the dictionary definition defines tantra as “adherence to the doctrines or principles of the tantras, involving mantras, meditation, yoga, and ritual”. I took vows to these practices with Michael Stone. He asked how I felt after the ceremony. “Relieved and terrified.”, I responded. He further asked me to describe that. “I’m relieved that there are shores to bump up against and I am terrified because I might do something wrong. Then what?” True to Michael’s form, he said, “You will fuck it up. And then you return to the practice, you take vows again.” I still feel relieved and a little less terrified 1.5 years later. I was surprised that my life felt different the moment I stepped out into the streets of Toronto after the simple ceremony with Michael and Jen Whitney. Each decision felt palpably different and the filter through which the decision passed through had smaller, more refined pores. These practices change how we see and then inform our actions.

Drumming has been calling to me for many years. In October 2018, I birthed my first drum, Misty Wind in Joshua Tree National Forest with Lisa Starr. It’s the rhythm, the internal rhythm that a drum allows me to feel. Since welcoming Misty into my home, I feel a deeper, subtle call to slow down, take stock and to cultivate the conditions for the next phase of my life.

Less tantrums. More tantra and drumming. Stay tuned.